I learned two things from my ex-husband that I like to give him credit for: I can cut up a whole chicken, and I can drive in snow and ice. He's from a dry, cold area where snow is commonplace, so I believed him when he told me how to do this. He said that when you start to go into a slide or a spin, take your hands off the wheel and your foot off the controls. The car will stop by itself. It was hard to accept, but I did know for sure that trying to steer didn't work, and applying the brakes seemed to aggravate the situation. The first few times I tried it (I had plenty of room for spinning), the system worked. A car will automatically correct itself with no human intelligence to guide it.

Once when I was on a mountain road, I started to slide, heading straight for the edge. I remember thinking that if the edge were on the other side of the car, I'd leap out and abandon the car to Mother Earth. The cliff, my drop-off, was outside the driver's door, however. There was no room for jumping. Meanwhile, my foot was firmly planted on the brake, and it wasn't changing anything; the car kept sliding. I was supposed to release control completely. Surely that would be more effective than braking and going against the slide, wouldn't it? I kept seeing the cliff and the valley I was about to drop into, and I couldn't take my foot off the brake or my hands off the wheel. Right or wrong, I'd die fighting rather than surrendering. Surrendering probably would have saved me a few minutes of fear and suspense, but, luckily the car finally did stop without going over the cliff.

I believe that if you follow spiritual rules and let the consequences, whatever they are, just happen naturally, life will be excellent. I believe it, but I don't trust it. I'd rather do battle and emerge scarred and bloodied than trust to a benevolent universe.

I do keep trying to apply the spiritual laws that I almost believe in, but when confused or frightened, I grab the wheel and jam down on the brake. Someday I'm going to trust that whatever happens will be okay. I know I can do this; but does it have to be when I'm sick and/or tired of living? I know that when I can finally manage it, I will know true peace and appreciation for life, and sooner would be better than later.