 Fired up
A lesson in putting God first in the Fifth Step
WHEN I finally finished writing my Fourth Step inventory, I was eager to tell my sponsor. He had been giving me a hard time about taking so long to complete it. "Come on," he said. "What are you writing-a moral inventory, or the great American novel?"
Now I was ready to move ahead. So I phoned to ask if we could get together to talk about it. When we met, I was still fired up about moving on to Step Five quickly. But he had other ideas: "You need to shift gears now," he said. "Slow down. Take time to be grateful for the progress you're making, and to thank your Higher Power."
As soon as he started talking to me that way, I knew he was right. I thanked him for helping me through these Steps and said I knew I could not work this program by myself. But then I tried to turn back to my agenda, asking him again about the Fifth Step.
"Before we get into that," he said, "I want to ask you a personal question about your concept of God. I mean do you really have a God-idea that works for you?"
"Sure," I said, "I go along with what the Big Book says. The way it talks about a Power greater than ourselves makes good sense to me."
My sponsor agreed, but added: "I suppose most of us in AA have that Higher Power idea in common. But I was asking about your own concept of God. Your idea is not the same as mine, you know. In fact, I believe that each of us has a very individualized idea of God."
Then he paused before asking: "What do you suppose your idea of God was when you were 10 months old?"
"For Pete's sakes," I said, "I don't know. Probably whatever had been programmed into me by my mother."
"How about when you were 4 years old?" he said.
"Same thing," I answered.
He pressed on: "What was your idea of God when you were 7?" This strange interrogation hit me hard. It helped open my mind to see that my concept of God-if I honestly faced it-was deeply ingrained in me. It was an idea that has been forming, changing and evolving in me from my earliest days.
My sponsor's questions helped me put the God idea up front in the Fifth Step process. The Step itself says that I should admit the "exact nature of my wrongs" first to God, then to myself, and then to another human being.
My sponsor said that I could, if I chose to, share some of my inventory with him (as I had been doing all along), but that I needed to find someone-he suggested a clergy member-to hear my whole story, "withholding nothing," as the book says. I told him I did not want to talk to a priest, because I had tried confession during my drinking days and it was useless.
"This isn't confession," he said. "It's the Fifth Step." Then he asked me to read the Big Book instructions again, on pages 72-75. To help me get started, he suggested that I use the phone book, select a Catholic church, then call and ask to speak to a priest. "Find out if he's familiar with the AA program and its Fifth Step," he said. "If so, make an appointment, and bring your written inventory."
I followed directions, and met a priest in the church rectory. It was a long session, but time passed quickly. There were no interruptions. He listened intently and asked a few questions. When I was finished, he told me we had turned all this over to God and I was forgiven. But now, he said, I must resolve to forgive myself and let go of any guilt over matters now in God's hands.
After he finished speaking, I felt a sense of relief. And I noticed, that he, too, appeared relaxed and in good spirits. Then as I was preparing to say goodbye, the priest said something unexpected: He said that he, too, was an alcoholic, and a member of AA, newly arrived in that city.
He said, 'This isn't confession. It's the Fifth Step.' He asked me to read the instructions again.
DAVE M.
Pueblo, Colorado Go to... | 